Some people believe in using strict discipline, while others believe in a softer touch. Now, the strict people feel that the soft people are too nice, and the soft people feel that the strict people are too mean. So who is right?
Let's compare.
If you are too nice, the child will be shielded from learning how to deal with adversity, and will be denied the opportunity to develop personal strength and independence. They won't experience learning the crucial lesson of "cause and effect", and will be less likely to take responsibility for their actions.
But if you are too mean, you will inhibit trust, rapport, and bonding. Kids will feel that their basic rights are being dismissed, which can lead to resentment, rebellion and lying. "I would never tell my parents I'm in trouble.They'd kill me!"
Ideally you want a balance - You want your children to learn how to deal with adversity.You want them to develop personal strength and independence, and you want to develop trust, rapport, and bonding...all at the same time.
To better understand how to achieve all of these goals, consider these established approaches.
The Authoritarian Parenting Style includes - "You can't go because I said so, that's why!"
This is considered too mean.
The Permissive Parenting Style includes - "It's Ok, that you made a mess, kids will be kids."
This is considered too nice.
The Authoritative Parenting Style includes - "Tell me why you did what you did, and I'll help you understand why you shouldn't have."
This is considered just right.
"But wait...The world is a tough place, and life isn't fair! Isn't it my responsibility to teach my kids that?"
Yes. in fact these life lessons are essential for children to learn early on. But whose lessons are children more likely to consider...a parent who is unapproachable, or one who they know respects their rights?
"But wait...Don't children need to learn respect for authority?"
Yes. But there is an important distinction between respect and fear, and children should respect their parents, rather than fear them.
All things considered, the Authoritative parenting style is the most effective approach in optimizing children's behavior (I know, Authoritative an Authoritarian sound virtually the same, but the concepts are very different.) With the authoritative method, you are still commanding authority, (it's in the word!) but you are providing the real reasons for your decisions, whereas the authoritarian style denies the child's right to know.
However, there are times when giving a reason is just not practical.
At very young ages children are not yet able to understand cause and effect. A two year old does not understand the concept, "If you run in the street you'll be hit by a car!"
In school, the teacher just may not have the time to justify every rule to every student.
In these situations, an authoritarian response can be necessary.
And, there are times when sensitivity is key.
When the child is already in an emotionally fragile state.
This is not the time administer consequences. You can still show that you disapprove of their behavior, but at the same time letting them know you care that they are distressed...You can punish them in a little while!
Summary
Don't expect to get it perfect every time! No two kids are exactly the same, and no two situations are exactly the same. But with an understanding of these concepts, you will be more able to strike the best balance. (For more information, see: "Reward and Punishment - Which is better?")