"So my thirteen year old just trashed her room and told me to go f*** myself!"
Although the level of this behavior various between individuals, no one is immune from the inevitable mood swings and outbursts that come with the turbulent changes upon entering adolescence. Even the otherwise sweetest child may have episodes of rage and fury. It is essential to understand that this behavior is more the result of imbalanced brain chemistry, more than their actual grievance.
"But wait. If I forbid my preteen from dating or wearing makeup, doesn't that justify her anger? "
Yes, but remember, it's not so much about the actual issue at hand, as it is about a neurological imbalance. (See: "How Hormones Influence Us.")
Once you understand this phenomenon, you can respond more effectively. You will not be dragged down into the same heated emotional state and try to fight back (which makes things worse) and you will not blame the child for something in which they have no control over...until now.
So what do you do? - Teach them control!
First: Wait until the brain is in a positive and balanced state. (We are not receptive to communication when we are emotional.)
Second: (and this is huge) Teach them the influence of brain chemistry on our moods, emotions, and perception of realty, which is considerable. - And that the transition from child to adult (puberty) creates especially pronounced periods of neurological imbalance. (Have them read; "How Hormones Influence Us.")
Third: Teach them how to recognize the onset of an episode. Ask them to identify the unique "flavor" of that emotion. There are biological signs as well, including reddening of the face, elevated heart rate, and sweating. (It's similar to hot-flashes during menopause, which is purely hormonal as well.)
Fourth: Ask the child, "Do you want to be ruled by chemicals?" "Do you want to be controlled by something without knowing it?" - or - "Do want to own yourself?" (Believe me, children at this age are passionate about owning themselves!)
Summary
Please understand that anger management takes practice, even for professionals, let alone children who are still in development. But with proper coaching, children can learn to discern between a chemical response and a rational one. Once this level of awareness is reached, anger management will practice itself.